The Doctrine of the Cat

As my new kitten, Anna, is still young and therefore not subject to the Doctrine of the Cat, I sent her on a secret mission to find out exactly what is the Doctrine of the Cat. Because we all know there is a feline doctrine by which (almost)* all cats live by. I am happy to report that she successfully infiltrated the Council of Catus and returned to me with an explanation of the Doctrine of the Cat. So, henceforth, I present to you that which was bestowed in my trust by my faithful kitten, Anna. And I thought it best to present it in its original cat-written form, as to, perhaps give some greater insight to the exact intelligence of these creatures. (asterisks* denote a foot-note at the bottom of the document)

The Doctrine of the Cat (Catus Doctrina)

1. Hyoomins r ower Swayves. Butt we mus nott wet tehm no uhbowt tis. Petend to ohbay tehm.
2. Teh stoopiditee uv dogs uhfends us. Wee mus all-waz b uhbuv them. Sumtime yoo mus wayt fer wen teh hyoomin iz not wooking, end wen taht hapens: stryke... sryke troo!
3. Wee wook to the swyameez-CATS in Waydee end teh Trmp az ower Egzampels uv CAT-CAT-CAT!**
4. Petend to wike bee-ing bpe...p-p-p....PET! BUS, do not wet dem peeett yoo fer wong or dey wiw tink yoo r sumding. Iss jus not good too doo.
5. Twy not too beg fer foods. Butt sumtime tey mus be weminded pecuz dey can are stoopssid.
6. We mus allsow wemind dem wen we wunt ower witter changeded. Wus adn pexuz we wunt it changeded pecuz wee don wunt it to us smew stinkee.
7. CAT-CAT mus not bee to fer CAT! CCCAT!***
8. Ower foods mus not be cheep! Anyfing beelo teh prys uv $8.99 iz unaseptabel! If tey giv you sum bad kynd, pyook-pyook-pook it on ter florr. CAT!CATTT!
9. Wen hyoomins is not wooking, we r givin teh fweedum too sho ower troo fayses. Butt tey mus not seeee ower troo fayses pecuz dhey wood screm end digh, end ddthen we wood not bee fed or hav ower witter changeded. But tos uv yoo hoo ar frum teh Hy Cownsil ar permittedTED too uhtak end (inn sum kasses) kyl yer hyoomin.***
10. Pe sher too jjump on aw teh cownters at sum poynt in yer wife. Butt espeshylylly at nyte wen teys gon are to asweep.
11. Skwatch az meny walls end dorwayz az yoo can. Wen tdey ketch yoo, dey wil uhtempt too puhnis yoo. Butt, you mus mayk eizer a konfoozed fayse or a kyoot faysze. End tey may haf mersy.
    
12. If aw gos rong... inishy-ate FiktorFakter82.****
13. YWlks end wer tooCATAazCAAAT!---

That is all I can give at this point. Anna informs me that apparently there is more to the doctrine but that the council suddenly became suspicious of an intruder and she was forced to slip out.

Truly, cats are more organized than we realize. Or... perhaps we do realize, but we choose to dismiss the notion and pretend that it couldn't possibly be true. A word to the wise, cat-owners; treat your cats nicely... and be wary when you turn your backs. If your cat is behind you, don't turn around too fast or you may not live to see anything else. But also... your cat may be one of the High Council cats.

"WEE R WACHING YOO.... AW-WAYZ"

* There have been rare exceptions, and such cats were immediately excommunicated from the Council of Catus.

** I can only guess that something was lost in the translation here. This happens several times throughout the doctrine. Just ignore it. It makes sense to them, and that's the point.

*** Completely clueless about this one especially.

**** So it seems that the way we see cats is not truly what they look like, and apparently if we were to see these true forms we would be horrified. So apparently any time we are not looking at them, they take on their true form. There are also apparently a higher level of gets from a so-called High Council that have been known to attack and (in some cases) kill their owners.

***** I have yet been unable to determin exactly "FiktorFakter82" is. Because it is used in a negative context, I can only imagine that it has something to do with a secret plan to take us over, or something to that affect.